never ending questions

The other Boleyn girl is a great movie. Made with skill and flourishing creativity.
It echoes certain details of my own life, and yet so does every film seem to, I believe it is only natural for every viewer to relate a film to themselves in an individual way.
My mother made some mistakes similar to those of Anne Boleyn shown in the film, her name is the Swedish version of Elizabeth, and I once sank so low as to even mistrust the most trusted male in my life, my brother, and to treat him as if he was insinuating incest, although there is nothing of the kind in either of us, it was only the twisted nature of my mentality at the time taking control over suspicions and more. At times I have felt like a whore, although I told one deeply respected friend that I am a whore because I fall a little bit in love with every man, and end up broken hearted at the slightest, which is ridiculous, but it is a stage of life one must go through, and learn from.
However the reason I am here is not to drivel on about boring uninteresting details, it is to explore myself a little more, because there are oceans of depth, and tangles of terror in me that I wish to solve and understand. One day I think I will understand to some degree, but not wholly, never an utterly complete comprehension, because there is always more to learn and understand.
I will pan out the landmark memories of my life which I believe have shaped me in some way, and some stories that I have been told that also shape me.

1. When I was young my mother visited Sweden for her sister’s wedding, and my siblings followed when I stayed behind, it was only fair, I had already been. I wasn’t aware of this however because I was 6 months when I went. So when my mother left for the unbelievably early flight without bidding goodbye, it was as if I was abandoned. I sobbed baby girl sobs, and my father got mad because I would not stop. He was above me standing on the landing at my childhood home in front of the front door, and I was below on the paved driveway.

[I spent majority of my time with my mother between the ages of 2 and 4 when I went off to kindergarten, later throughout primary school and secondary college I was brought up mostly by my father, however my mother was present as often as she could be to give a helping hand, at the time they were in the process of pHDs].

1. My grandmother took me shopping, and I saw a black hat that I took a liking to. I tried it on and she said it looked nice. I asked if I could have it and she said no after a pause. I proceeded to throw a 2 year old tantrum of the monstrous kind parents frequently deal with during the ‘terrible two’s’ so named for a good reason. This monstrosity would not be rewarded, the hat would not be purchased, and so be it.
2. My grandparents took me to the zoo, the Melbourne zoo apparently, and we were sitting outside the monkey area, and I sat on the curb and would not budge. I had decided that I wanted to see the zebras [perhaps I am mistaken and the animals are switched however it is unimportant], this decision was stubbornly held onto by my fiercely strong little girl hands, and I would not move.
3. My father took me out on a surfboard once; in what was probably less than one foot surf or something. I was a little older perhaps aged 4. Always brave I was willing to give it a go. I ended up falling off the surfboard into what appeared to be the blackest of water to my little girl eyes. I felt the sensations of drowning, and my father realized and helped me out. He had not realized the degree of panic in me, but his reassurance was stabilising.
4. I fought with my friend at kindergarten over who would get the swing, and I won. However I sustained an injury to my shoulder from that swing and still have a slightly weak shoulder.
5. I was bullied by plural amounts of people throughout primary school, and secondary college. Of the female type, very manipulative and sneaky and damaging. However I learnt how to dig deep for strength.
6. I spent an entire day sobbing as a ten year old child, my family ignored me believing I was seeking attention; I shut myself in the toilet and sobbed, and sobbed. I had realized that one day my mother was to exist no more.  This realisation shocked me into the beginnings of adulthood and individual strength.
7. I almost died aged 11 when crossing the road.
8. I fell in love for the first time and nursed my first broken heart.
9. I travelled to Hong Kong, Thailand, Sweden, and Italy, and from those times I have records in my possession, in the form of travel diaries, as a form of schooling during the travels.
10. I began to bleed.
11. I dated two boys who were best friends, I learnt some confusing lessons, and remain friends of the briefest kind with one of them.
12. The soccer team won a season undefeated champions and league winners under my mother’s guidance. She was a much loved soccer coach, and one of the key players part of the women’s football at Surfcoast football club, where I no longer play.
13. My sport success improved as did my academic excellence, whilst my mentality pivoted, spiralling downwards, in silence. Having almost reached the state football team to play in the annual Sydney women’s tournament, left as the emergency list, to be called in and trained up if need be.
14. I lunged like a wild animal at my sports teacher for his unfair judgement, like a wild animal would, scared him out of his wits I believe, and apologised profusely explaining the depth of meaning true justice has for me.
15. I had a great many fights with women at the girls college I attended. Learnt some valuable lessons in people skills.
16. I was made to say sorry to a friend. A huge lesson in humility.
17. I attended Alpine school. Learnt some amazing life lessons there.
18. Travelled across the globe, to receive a beautiful dream of a life in Sweden.
19. This time the love I felt was of a different kind, and I nursed a stronger heartbreak than before.
20. Until I came across somebody who changed my life. One man with a certain smile on his face.
21. I completed VCE, despite the depths of despair I reached, with the help of a great friend, who showed me the true power of laughter and smiles, when times appear truly tough to one’s own mind.

So, there is a timeline of some sorts, it is not wholly descriptive, but only a rough sketch. I already know all of these facts, what I wish to do now is to explore more of my innermost self, by exploring the world. I wish to learn from the history of society, and learn from the beauty of nature, and learn from people. This is why I wish to travel, and I hope to not be limited by other people’s actions, yet I will respect other’s wishes.
The film ‘the other Boleyn girl’ always dredges up the uttermost importance of family, love, trust, truth, loyalty, honour and respect in me. Only this morning I was continuing the metaphor of life and death. I wish to challenge those who believe in heaven but not ghosts. How do you propose people exist in heaven as physical beings? As of yet no aeroplane has crashed into a large platform of any kind, and therefore the eternal life must be of a non-physical nature. So, by no means do I aim to offend, I am only exploring tentatively concepts of different kinds, but would it make sense that ‘death’ craves the physical things and physical feelings, so as to make sure that some small degree of life stays within reach? Would it also happen to make sense that ‘life’ craves the non-physical, untouchable things stated above, such as love and trust, happiness and peace?
I realize that there is something deep inside me that is satisfied by either aggressive expression, or pure terror sustained within myself. I wonder why? Is it my Scottish heritage? Or memories that have shaped the way I am? People that have perhaps influenced the way I turned out?
I am aware that deep anger is always connected to deep sadness, so possibly my fear of abandonment and loneliness is deeply connected to my anger and terror of dark waters?
Maybe there is a limit to all of my questions, please let me know when you find it (:
All the best in every way
Britta