i honour, respect, forgive and mourn every single human that has ever experienced any kind of horrifying experience.
including rape, their house burning down, being shot, bombs, having their hair stolen from them by being shaved off, being tortured, being taunted and bullied via screaming, yelling, hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, secret rumour spreading, snide sideways looks, nasty giggling, simple exclusion of ever type, exclusion from knowing secrets and gossip, knowing the whereabouts of social events, knowing where to go when in need, and all the rest.
the list could go on forever and ever.
my point is that every time i wake up from a dream that reminds me of all of this, i shake, tremble, sob, cower, and hide beneath my covers. all i want to do is never see the light of day again because i am so unbelievably terrified.
and yet something tells me to get up.
and so i do.
i sing a song that helps me remember exactly who i am.
a song about rainbows.
here are the lyrics:
kira willey-colours:
I am green today, I chirp with joy like a cricket song
I am grey today, gloomy and damp like a morning fog
I am orange today, loud and messy like finger paint on the wall
I am red today, hopping mad like a playground ball
I am black today, strong and tall a great big bear
I am purple today, bright and happy like a butterfly in the air
(chorus)
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world are in me
I am yellow today, I shine my light out like the sun
I am white today, soft and quiet like new snow
I am blue today, calm as glass and cool like the sea
(chorus)
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world are in me
this song helps me feel all the colours inside me, and it helps me shine my light stronger.
it helps me know exactly who i am, when something shocks me to the core.
next i clean my entire room of clutter, put everything back in its right spot,
so that i know where every thing i have is.
this practise makes me feel comforted.
i think it is a form of control. to feel that i have some sort of control of my
whereabouts, you know?
anyway, next i go to my mother and father and ask for a big huge hug.
this is the most comforting and stabilising thing i know.
it helps me out hugely.
i love music, so i turn on my birthday cd which i received from a very, very good friend of mine.
and it sings about world peace, and achieving your dreams, and how to achieve love,
and it sounds all very swishy swashy, and frilly and pretty.
but actually its political music from passionate artists and musicians Blue King Brown.
and i love it.
anyhow, so i realize that everything i own is in fact some body else's since i have only made
some of my things.
and only the things you make yourself, do you truly own.
so i realize that all the things i put back in place, are just things i have borrowed from
other people for awhile. and it is as if i am organising other people's things.
very strange thought.
anyhow. then my mother turns on the christmas music, and we begin baking swedish gingerbread.
because it is the first advent today, which is a very old swedish tradition to celebrate.
everything should be happy families yes?
the music, the baking, the traditions.
mmm not so.
i'm sobbing.
and raging.
and bashing the gingerbread, kneading it to bits.
all of this is happening because of a discussion about my best friend felicity rousseau,
and how the treatment of her affects me.
it affects me so deeply, because i feel i was treated in a similar way.
she believed for a very long time that she was nothing, nobody, and going nowhere.
and if anybody else has been to that place called nowhere,
well its pretty bleak, and depressing.
i believed the same. during my most vulnerable years, between 10 and 18.
i didn't feel listened to. ignored. and pushed down. and bullied.
and because of my experience of things,
which is just a little more intense than most people,
i felt all of these emotions in the extreme.
anyhow, so i'm raging at sobbing at my parents.
and the christmas music is cheerily playing away in the background.
and i'm pondering the irony of such beautiful music playing
while i'm agonising of my personal emotional history.
my mother takes control of me by talking to me calmly,
she calms me down, and we talk about how she felt,
and what she is reminded of by my sobbing, and baking
at the same time.
and i get worse, because i think she is feeling sorry for
herself.
i remind her that 'YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS'
and she says that's not her point.
and then i realize, i've been saying for months now that
this is the most sensitive time, and i didnt' heed my own warning.
how clueless could i be.
this is the time of celebrating family, and love, and sharing happiness together.
and because these three things are the core of humanity, they are also
wrought with destruction, terror, violence, escapist thoughts,
and awful awful nightmares.
therefore during this time, people are at their most sensitive.
many, many terrible memories can be brought back, from past
christmas times, and past events during this time of year.
as always the peak of happiness and love and sharing, is accompanied
by the depths of despair and hopelessness and loneliness and rage.
this is why this is The most important time to surround yourself with
your childhood comforts, your long standing trusted honest and reliable friends,
your very much loved family whether that be your friends, your work mates,
your animal friends, or even your children,
every family is worth more than gold, more than petrol,
more than a cheque in hand, more than the largest diamond on earth.
in my eyes if you have love in abundance, and true happiness in yourself
then you are the richest billionaire on earth.
and did you know, that many in apparent poverty have many of these things,
and they have it in buckets.
so today i celebrate the billionaires of melbourne,
those sitting on the streets,
with a wealth of memories in their brains,
an absolute wealth of knowledge about being judged,
and bullied, and treated badly.
i salute you more than any people on earth,
you bear the heaviest of burdens,
that of the destruction we bear on our own kind
humankind.
you keep us all going,
whilst many of us ignore you, like dust.
you are inspiring, full of the strongest of family ties
between you, and you are a great example of being a true
SURVIVOR.
so... the reason for all of this?
why i began writing all of this?
i had a dream.
an awful dream where my new friend could bend her elbows backwards, and her
knees inside out.
where trainstations had the darkest of currents running through the
iron rails
and where the crowds gathering were running terrified from something i have no clue about.
i only remembered this because of something my father said.
when i awoke i was clueless.
no memory.
nothing but pure terror.
i was shaking, my entire body,
and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.
i hid under the covers, hiding my face and my heart from every negative thing around me.
because i could see the awful truth of mankind.
some of us are very, very bad people,
some of us strive to destroy millions,
and some of us thrive on the worst current of all,
that of money.
these kinds of dreams are by no means enjoyable.
and it is interesting that i dreamt such a dream the day after i meet a mayan
man on the street talking about 2012.
he told me about the mayan idea of the 24000 year cycle of the sun, above and below
the milky way.
he told me something unknown would happen on the 21st of December 2012.
i noted the eery feeling when i realized my brother's birthday is the day before,
not only that but my brother turns 22 years old on the 22nd of december in 2-01-2 ie 2012.
that number to me symbolizes loneliness amongst millions of pairs of people. couples, or brothers, or other dual numbers
of people.
interesting that yesterday i had some bad luck, and today my bad luck continues.
not only with a nightmare and a half, but with broken eggs, and the like.
i discussed this mayan theory with my parents and they reminded me not to believe,
because such ideas are nonsense.
my father also received a phone call from a relative who is going through some tought times right now.
interesting that the tough times he is going through featured in my dream.
interesting that the 'nonsense' i came across yesterday
featured most strongly in my dream it seems.
by the way, it was richmond station, i know because i could see the black smoke rising from the buildings in the distance.
now i am warning you one last time,
do your utmost to help your self feel happier, feel more love, and feel strong in your own beliefs and values,
whatever they may be.
everything you have been taught exists, simply because you believe it.
so don't have one single doubt,
every thing that goes against your belief, only goes against it because we humans have created it.
if you believe in no god, then you depend on another home, of a far more human kind, a human heart is your residence of belief. treat it well because you will feel terrible if you lose it.
i guarantee you.
if you believe in a god, or many gods, treat them as you have been taught, live your life as you have been taught,
it is the best way.
however whatever you have been taught,
i beg of you
from the bottom of my heart
do not reduce humanity
to beggars in the darkest of jungles
towers of shining glass and metal and black smoke
do not reduce love
to terror
horrifying nightmares
and bullying
do not reduce sharing
to something worthless
and to be ignored
if you ignore it
it
will
come
true
and i experience the truth in my dreams.
whatever form this truth takes may take longer than 2012,
it may take longer than your lifetime, it may be disproved by science,
by numbers, by books, and experts,
but believe you me,
i feel it in my heart.
so do your best
don't judge the contents of a human heart by the cover of memories singing out
in that humans actions every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year of every decade
of every millenia
i beg you to be kind
honest with your self
and to activate your own conscience
and to do your best to follow it
i personally adore watching children's programs, movies, and television shows,
because they are bursting with age old knowledge being passed down to our future generations
i adore singing age old songs to fill my heart with truth purity and love
whatever method you wish to take
just do it
love it
share it
and be careful of those most sensitive
don't crush them with your big stompy foot.
because it hurts.
all the best to each and every being on earth and otherwise
may you be happy, healthy, and wise in your actions and choices
may we find some peace amongst us
yours faithfully
Britta Vandenberg
including rape, their house burning down, being shot, bombs, having their hair stolen from them by being shaved off, being tortured, being taunted and bullied via screaming, yelling, hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, secret rumour spreading, snide sideways looks, nasty giggling, simple exclusion of ever type, exclusion from knowing secrets and gossip, knowing the whereabouts of social events, knowing where to go when in need, and all the rest.
the list could go on forever and ever.
my point is that every time i wake up from a dream that reminds me of all of this, i shake, tremble, sob, cower, and hide beneath my covers. all i want to do is never see the light of day again because i am so unbelievably terrified.
and yet something tells me to get up.
and so i do.
i sing a song that helps me remember exactly who i am.
a song about rainbows.
here are the lyrics:
kira willey-colours:
I am green today, I chirp with joy like a cricket song
I am grey today, gloomy and damp like a morning fog
I am orange today, loud and messy like finger paint on the wall
I am red today, hopping mad like a playground ball
I am black today, strong and tall a great big bear
I am purple today, bright and happy like a butterfly in the air
(chorus)
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world are in me
I am yellow today, I shine my light out like the sun
I am white today, soft and quiet like new snow
I am blue today, calm as glass and cool like the sea
(chorus)
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today, all the colors of the world are in me
this song helps me feel all the colours inside me, and it helps me shine my light stronger.
it helps me know exactly who i am, when something shocks me to the core.
next i clean my entire room of clutter, put everything back in its right spot,
so that i know where every thing i have is.
this practise makes me feel comforted.
i think it is a form of control. to feel that i have some sort of control of my
whereabouts, you know?
anyway, next i go to my mother and father and ask for a big huge hug.
this is the most comforting and stabilising thing i know.
it helps me out hugely.
i love music, so i turn on my birthday cd which i received from a very, very good friend of mine.
and it sings about world peace, and achieving your dreams, and how to achieve love,
and it sounds all very swishy swashy, and frilly and pretty.
but actually its political music from passionate artists and musicians Blue King Brown.
and i love it.
anyhow, so i realize that everything i own is in fact some body else's since i have only made
some of my things.
and only the things you make yourself, do you truly own.
so i realize that all the things i put back in place, are just things i have borrowed from
other people for awhile. and it is as if i am organising other people's things.
very strange thought.
anyhow. then my mother turns on the christmas music, and we begin baking swedish gingerbread.
because it is the first advent today, which is a very old swedish tradition to celebrate.
everything should be happy families yes?
the music, the baking, the traditions.
mmm not so.
i'm sobbing.
and raging.
and bashing the gingerbread, kneading it to bits.
all of this is happening because of a discussion about my best friend felicity rousseau,
and how the treatment of her affects me.
it affects me so deeply, because i feel i was treated in a similar way.
she believed for a very long time that she was nothing, nobody, and going nowhere.
and if anybody else has been to that place called nowhere,
well its pretty bleak, and depressing.
i believed the same. during my most vulnerable years, between 10 and 18.
i didn't feel listened to. ignored. and pushed down. and bullied.
and because of my experience of things,
which is just a little more intense than most people,
i felt all of these emotions in the extreme.
anyhow, so i'm raging at sobbing at my parents.
and the christmas music is cheerily playing away in the background.
and i'm pondering the irony of such beautiful music playing
while i'm agonising of my personal emotional history.
my mother takes control of me by talking to me calmly,
she calms me down, and we talk about how she felt,
and what she is reminded of by my sobbing, and baking
at the same time.
and i get worse, because i think she is feeling sorry for
herself.
i remind her that 'YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS'
and she says that's not her point.
and then i realize, i've been saying for months now that
this is the most sensitive time, and i didnt' heed my own warning.
how clueless could i be.
this is the time of celebrating family, and love, and sharing happiness together.
and because these three things are the core of humanity, they are also
wrought with destruction, terror, violence, escapist thoughts,
and awful awful nightmares.
therefore during this time, people are at their most sensitive.
many, many terrible memories can be brought back, from past
christmas times, and past events during this time of year.
as always the peak of happiness and love and sharing, is accompanied
by the depths of despair and hopelessness and loneliness and rage.
this is why this is The most important time to surround yourself with
your childhood comforts, your long standing trusted honest and reliable friends,
your very much loved family whether that be your friends, your work mates,
your animal friends, or even your children,
every family is worth more than gold, more than petrol,
more than a cheque in hand, more than the largest diamond on earth.
in my eyes if you have love in abundance, and true happiness in yourself
then you are the richest billionaire on earth.
and did you know, that many in apparent poverty have many of these things,
and they have it in buckets.
so today i celebrate the billionaires of melbourne,
those sitting on the streets,
with a wealth of memories in their brains,
an absolute wealth of knowledge about being judged,
and bullied, and treated badly.
i salute you more than any people on earth,
you bear the heaviest of burdens,
that of the destruction we bear on our own kind
humankind.
you keep us all going,
whilst many of us ignore you, like dust.
you are inspiring, full of the strongest of family ties
between you, and you are a great example of being a true
SURVIVOR.
so... the reason for all of this?
why i began writing all of this?
i had a dream.
an awful dream where my new friend could bend her elbows backwards, and her
knees inside out.
where trainstations had the darkest of currents running through the
iron rails
and where the crowds gathering were running terrified from something i have no clue about.
i only remembered this because of something my father said.
when i awoke i was clueless.
no memory.
nothing but pure terror.
i was shaking, my entire body,
and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.
i hid under the covers, hiding my face and my heart from every negative thing around me.
because i could see the awful truth of mankind.
some of us are very, very bad people,
some of us strive to destroy millions,
and some of us thrive on the worst current of all,
that of money.
these kinds of dreams are by no means enjoyable.
and it is interesting that i dreamt such a dream the day after i meet a mayan
man on the street talking about 2012.
he told me about the mayan idea of the 24000 year cycle of the sun, above and below
the milky way.
he told me something unknown would happen on the 21st of December 2012.
i noted the eery feeling when i realized my brother's birthday is the day before,
not only that but my brother turns 22 years old on the 22nd of december in 2-01-2 ie 2012.
that number to me symbolizes loneliness amongst millions of pairs of people. couples, or brothers, or other dual numbers
of people.
interesting that yesterday i had some bad luck, and today my bad luck continues.
not only with a nightmare and a half, but with broken eggs, and the like.
i discussed this mayan theory with my parents and they reminded me not to believe,
because such ideas are nonsense.
my father also received a phone call from a relative who is going through some tought times right now.
interesting that the tough times he is going through featured in my dream.
interesting that the 'nonsense' i came across yesterday
featured most strongly in my dream it seems.
by the way, it was richmond station, i know because i could see the black smoke rising from the buildings in the distance.
now i am warning you one last time,
do your utmost to help your self feel happier, feel more love, and feel strong in your own beliefs and values,
whatever they may be.
everything you have been taught exists, simply because you believe it.
so don't have one single doubt,
every thing that goes against your belief, only goes against it because we humans have created it.
if you believe in no god, then you depend on another home, of a far more human kind, a human heart is your residence of belief. treat it well because you will feel terrible if you lose it.
i guarantee you.
if you believe in a god, or many gods, treat them as you have been taught, live your life as you have been taught,
it is the best way.
however whatever you have been taught,
i beg of you
from the bottom of my heart
do not reduce humanity
to beggars in the darkest of jungles
towers of shining glass and metal and black smoke
do not reduce love
to terror
horrifying nightmares
and bullying
do not reduce sharing
to something worthless
and to be ignored
if you ignore it
it
will
come
true
and i experience the truth in my dreams.
whatever form this truth takes may take longer than 2012,
it may take longer than your lifetime, it may be disproved by science,
by numbers, by books, and experts,
but believe you me,
i feel it in my heart.
so do your best
don't judge the contents of a human heart by the cover of memories singing out
in that humans actions every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year of every decade
of every millenia
i beg you to be kind
honest with your self
and to activate your own conscience
and to do your best to follow it
i personally adore watching children's programs, movies, and television shows,
because they are bursting with age old knowledge being passed down to our future generations
i adore singing age old songs to fill my heart with truth purity and love
whatever method you wish to take
just do it
love it
share it
and be careful of those most sensitive
don't crush them with your big stompy foot.
because it hurts.
all the best to each and every being on earth and otherwise
may you be happy, healthy, and wise in your actions and choices
may we find some peace amongst us
yours faithfully
Britta Vandenberg
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