so one day i met this boy. his name was mateo perkovic.
i'm sure you've all heard of him. and our story.
well, here's the inside goss :p
or in other words my side of the 'full picture' . . .lol
make of it what you will. . .
so i met him, we chatted on msn [i was reluctant cos i'd been bullied via msn b4, but
he persisted quite insistantly]. then i needed some space, cos we were talking for at least 3 hours
every night, and i was getting pretty icky about it, because i love my space as many artistic people do from time to time.
anyhow, so we took some 'breaks' and then we fought quite a bit. he got very very angry, began to seriously
despise me, even threatened to shoot me in the face. i was seriously in love with him. i would even have died for him.
(oh and we met through a common friend) but despite all the rumours i only ever saw him once at a bus stop.
i never spoke to him face to face. i never touched him, ever. every other detail anyone knows about me via him (most of which are true)
mateo found out through his ipod listening to my. . . life. so i logically figured out that he must have listened to my 'life' nearly 24/7 to be able to know that much about me. which scares me quite a bit.
also i heard a lot about his family, and many many other secrets of his life that i won't disclose and that even he is not aware that i know about. so fair's fair, i 'stalked' his 'life' on my iPod too. however i wrote about it. he didn't. i acted. he didn't. i was visible. he was invisible.
by choice.
anyhow i heard about his. . . family situation and got quite scared of him. i heard about his temper and got even more scared.
then i dreamt about him driving to the place where i had worked this past summer, and it was now my family business, and we were all there, and his mum [i presume, it was a woman with peroxide blonde corkscrew curly hair] drove him up in this brown mustang, and they slowed to get out. i sprinted inside. told my brother instantly about it, and said to RUNNNN for you LIFE and HIDE !! via our minds of course to make it quicker C: and then we all ran and hid. i've never run so fast in my entire life. then i woke up.
i realized that i didn't feel safe with mateo and even with my family there, which says a lot. so a year after i first decided to get over him, i further decided to not contact him ever again. of course everything is a slow process. but nowadays i never contact him. i may contact one of his best mates in germany, or our mutual friend back in geelong. but that is for friendships sake. not for mateo.
{btw the near death accident happened in grade 4)
anyhow, so in grade 5 i first bled. on this day i realized that i could fall pregnant and this power/responsibility fell heavily on my shoulders.
it was a huge thing for me. from that day onwards, i began to find life very very difficult. people started looking at me strangely. getting scared. and i started getting very very depressed. i never cut myself because i was too vain to scar myself. but i got dAMN close! i never attempted suicide, but i got DAMN close! i was bullied throughout this year as well, so that didn't help.
then i moved to high school and there i fought with many strong minded women, and my depressed self got a real beating. i got even closer to attempting. but i didn't. why? who knows. then i retreated. i remember in year 8 once, i barely spoke to anyone for months. i would say maximum two sentences a day. now if you know me, you realize this is an absolutely insane phenomenon. i approximately speak about 1389217350918563-15682346392471-235871234-87358074-1298571-489 sentences a day ! usually. so 2 sentences was nothing. NOTHING! i was ABSOLUTELY PARANOID. i looked every single possible way. i thought about insane asylums. i hated my friends. i hated my parents. i hated my teachers. i hated the school grounds. i hated the sky. i hated food. i hated being 'fat'. i hated my soccer coach. i hated soccer. i hated my soccer team. i hated my dad. i hated my sister. i even hated my brother. i was scared that every man i met would rape me. i thought i'd end up on the streets or in an asylum. i daydreamed about running away with a circus. or overseas. and then guess what? i went away for some months to this amazing place called "The ALpine School" and it helped me enormously. it reinforced the origins of my upbringing and helped me sort myself out. then i travelled across the world as an independent individual, to sweden. i lived there for 6 months. it was some of the rockiest 6 months of my life. i was recovering from serious depression [yet i didn't know this]. i had amazing help from my aunty and cousins, they were a huuuuuuge support, and the girls in sweden too! i changed an amaaaaaazing amount over there and i really began to heal.
then i fell in love. big time! i wanted this guys kids. HAHAHAHA. aaaaaah typical me.
anyhow i went back home utterly heartbroken because he never said goodbye even though I SERENADED HIM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL! OH how embarrassing now that i think about it! HA. anyhow.
so i went back home heartbroken. and got very interested in this guy from soccer. who had a current girlfriend. as did the man in sweden. siiiiiiiiigh. anyhow, i sent him many quite scary letters. he never replied. so i spoke to him. he rejected me. i broke down.
i couldn't handle it. 2 rejections in one year. omg! and i was recovering from serious depression too remember!
so what did i do? i began to go to the park and simply sit for 20 minutes in the crown of a tree and just to think. i went and lay on my back looking up at the sky and pondering the world. i pondered my future. i pondered the shapes of the clouds. i pondered my parents. i pondered my friends. i pondered every single love i'd every had including when i was 5 years old. i pondered all my relatives. all the problems i'd ever encountered with people. i pondered the meaning of life. and i realized, that if every single person in my life died, if my house burnt down, my suburb caught fire and then flooded, my entire world was utterly destroyed [say an atom bomb on australia] i would still survive. because i would still have the sun shining on my body, i would still have the ocean to nourish my body mind and heart, i would still have the crown of a tree to nurture my body mind and heart and to keep me safe from the world.
i would survive.
and then guess what happened? i heard about this peculiar man speaking about his life in croatia in my friends english class. he was talking about war time experiences with this huge grin on his face, not unlike the joker from the dark knight. my friend thought he was quite scary and i explained that laughter/smiles are a coping mechanism. if something is so seriously upsetting, a person will either break down into devastating sobs [which is quite humiliating] or grin hugely and bear it. the latter being the most common in men.
anyhow so i explained this, and then my friend introduced me to andre, mateo's then best mate.
he went back to germany [being an exchange student] i was again heartbroken.
i moved on to mateo. biiiiiiiiiiig mistake.
that whole story happened. and i relapsed.
i went back into depression. but only minor depression, because i had all the realizations of the previous year to hang on to. also i'd read this novel titled 'veronika decides to die' by paulo coelho only 6 months beforehand and 'tuesdays with murrie' about a year beforehand.
so i was steady. i was strong. but this man, he was persistent. he gnawed at my heart nearly down to the wick. my flame was nearly snuffed out. and i got a little bit close to the edge. not half as close as i'd been before. but i didn't know this. to me it felt like i'd already jumped and was just living my life because i had to.
my life was one huge chore. every person i trusted in my life expected me to commit suicide. every parent. friend. teacher. cousin. relative.
the only companion who listened and believed was my dog.
so in fact, my dog saved me. she is therefore my best friend in this world and she always will be. the day she dies will be a very, very sad day for me. i'm even tearing up just writing this! aaaah. anyway.
that summer, after i left mateo. i cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
i ate chocolate ice cream. i ran about 20 km marathons. i went an sat atop cliffs and looked out to sea pondering things. i wrote letters to myself. to nobody. i 'made nowhere plans for nobody'. i drifted around like a dead person, except i was alive.
then one night. [i love walks at night time during full moon, it nourishes my heart body and mind] anyhow, one night, i walked down to jan juc beach, i lay down at the look out, i curled up into the fetus position and i howled. i screamed. i yelled. i whimpered. i sobbed. i silently screamed all the pain in my heart all the hurt all the tears all the rejection all the sorrow. i got rid of every corner of sadness.
i didn't miss a spot. i stayed there until there were no tears left. no more room for whimpering or howling. people say i sounded like a dog. well yes, i did, and i still can. but only when i am very, very upset.
i did this repetitively for some days, except not always at night, and at the beach. sometimes home alone, i just sat down and cried.
i just sat there and sobbed my heart out.
and i'd think to myself, why the HECK am i crying? what is WRONG with me? there are people starving, and dying of thirst. what the BRIDDY HECK do i have to cry about? being heartbroken. aren't i silly? well NO, i wasn't. because i expressed ALL of my pain.
all of it! i wrote it down. i screamed it, i howled it, i whimpered it, i opened my mouth and allowed all the pain to pour out silently directly from my throat. you know that lump in your throat before u cry? well i allowed that lump to roam free through my mouth. i set it free. i let it all out. i didn't inprison any pain inside of me.
i used to think i cried because the whole world was hurting. i used to think i carried the world on my shoulders. now i know better. i only carry one billionth or something. but everyone's burden is the heaviest in the world. every person's problem is the worst. and every person deserves to grieve properly. i used to get SO angry at my father and mother for never helping me when i was at my worst.
at 15 [in year 9] i used to yell and scream and fight my father for every word. in year 7 my sister had problems at school, so i largely went ignored. and in year 6 i went to my parents bedroom but they were busy and gave me one sentence of dismissive advice before declaring they were busy.
so for a huge chunk of my life i felt invisible. ignored. helpless. like a nobody quite simply.
i got SO angry. SO upset. and then i forgave. i accepted. i moved on.
and now? now i realize things everyday. now i have some of the best friends around. i have been lucky enough to meet an amazing man, who really is my other half. i'm doing ok at school, and my futures looking up.
i'm still a sensitive woman. but i'm strong. and i fare well in stormy weather, simply by communicating with people. that simple. QUEStions i tells yA! C:
so if your 12 year old has a problem at school, don't underestimate it, saying well your sister has FAR worse problems at high school missy!
or, you'll learn a life lesson from this. it will do you good.
because 11 year olds don't understand exactly what you mean.
and even 5 year olds can get bullied and hurt.
i realized in year 1 that i was different from everyone else. i wasn't quite as genuinely happy.
not quite as genuinely excited. even though i seemed like the happiest most cheerful one there!
i was a depressed lonely scared child in disguise.
and now look at me! i get lonely. i still get scared. i still feel insane from time to time. but nowadays i am used to it.
i've learnt eXACTly how to deal with it. and i try to love myself as much as possible.
so never think someone's problem is not important. it ALwAYS IS! and its always worth trying to help.
some ppl don't want help because they are too proud or are aware they can do it themselves.
but that's my story for you.
i hope everybody has a wonderful wednesday
full of surprised good or bad.
i ask everyone to spend 10 minutes pondering their friends, family, relatives, their own meaning of life, their own purpose in life, their own past loves, past friendships, past problems. i ask each and every person to hopefully realize what is most important in their lives and to fully appreciate every drop of love they have.
when looking for inspiration i look to the sun, the ocean and the trees. because after all, they only helped create all of human kind on earth. and if that's not inspiring i don't know what is.
all the best in every way
C: Britta
i'm sure you've all heard of him. and our story.
well, here's the inside goss :p
or in other words my side of the 'full picture' . . .lol
make of it what you will. . .
so i met him, we chatted on msn [i was reluctant cos i'd been bullied via msn b4, but
he persisted quite insistantly]. then i needed some space, cos we were talking for at least 3 hours
every night, and i was getting pretty icky about it, because i love my space as many artistic people do from time to time.
anyhow, so we took some 'breaks' and then we fought quite a bit. he got very very angry, began to seriously
despise me, even threatened to shoot me in the face. i was seriously in love with him. i would even have died for him.
(oh and we met through a common friend) but despite all the rumours i only ever saw him once at a bus stop.
i never spoke to him face to face. i never touched him, ever. every other detail anyone knows about me via him (most of which are true)
mateo found out through his ipod listening to my. . . life. so i logically figured out that he must have listened to my 'life' nearly 24/7 to be able to know that much about me. which scares me quite a bit.
also i heard a lot about his family, and many many other secrets of his life that i won't disclose and that even he is not aware that i know about. so fair's fair, i 'stalked' his 'life' on my iPod too. however i wrote about it. he didn't. i acted. he didn't. i was visible. he was invisible.
by choice.
anyhow i heard about his. . . family situation and got quite scared of him. i heard about his temper and got even more scared.
then i dreamt about him driving to the place where i had worked this past summer, and it was now my family business, and we were all there, and his mum [i presume, it was a woman with peroxide blonde corkscrew curly hair] drove him up in this brown mustang, and they slowed to get out. i sprinted inside. told my brother instantly about it, and said to RUNNNN for you LIFE and HIDE !! via our minds of course to make it quicker C: and then we all ran and hid. i've never run so fast in my entire life. then i woke up.
i realized that i didn't feel safe with mateo and even with my family there, which says a lot. so a year after i first decided to get over him, i further decided to not contact him ever again. of course everything is a slow process. but nowadays i never contact him. i may contact one of his best mates in germany, or our mutual friend back in geelong. but that is for friendships sake. not for mateo.
{btw the near death accident happened in grade 4)
anyhow, so in grade 5 i first bled. on this day i realized that i could fall pregnant and this power/responsibility fell heavily on my shoulders.
it was a huge thing for me. from that day onwards, i began to find life very very difficult. people started looking at me strangely. getting scared. and i started getting very very depressed. i never cut myself because i was too vain to scar myself. but i got dAMN close! i never attempted suicide, but i got DAMN close! i was bullied throughout this year as well, so that didn't help.
then i moved to high school and there i fought with many strong minded women, and my depressed self got a real beating. i got even closer to attempting. but i didn't. why? who knows. then i retreated. i remember in year 8 once, i barely spoke to anyone for months. i would say maximum two sentences a day. now if you know me, you realize this is an absolutely insane phenomenon. i approximately speak about 1389217350918563-15682346392471-235871234-87358074-1298571-489 sentences a day ! usually. so 2 sentences was nothing. NOTHING! i was ABSOLUTELY PARANOID. i looked every single possible way. i thought about insane asylums. i hated my friends. i hated my parents. i hated my teachers. i hated the school grounds. i hated the sky. i hated food. i hated being 'fat'. i hated my soccer coach. i hated soccer. i hated my soccer team. i hated my dad. i hated my sister. i even hated my brother. i was scared that every man i met would rape me. i thought i'd end up on the streets or in an asylum. i daydreamed about running away with a circus. or overseas. and then guess what? i went away for some months to this amazing place called "The ALpine School" and it helped me enormously. it reinforced the origins of my upbringing and helped me sort myself out. then i travelled across the world as an independent individual, to sweden. i lived there for 6 months. it was some of the rockiest 6 months of my life. i was recovering from serious depression [yet i didn't know this]. i had amazing help from my aunty and cousins, they were a huuuuuuge support, and the girls in sweden too! i changed an amaaaaaazing amount over there and i really began to heal.
then i fell in love. big time! i wanted this guys kids. HAHAHAHA. aaaaaah typical me.
anyhow i went back home utterly heartbroken because he never said goodbye even though I SERENADED HIM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL! OH how embarrassing now that i think about it! HA. anyhow.
so i went back home heartbroken. and got very interested in this guy from soccer. who had a current girlfriend. as did the man in sweden. siiiiiiiiigh. anyhow, i sent him many quite scary letters. he never replied. so i spoke to him. he rejected me. i broke down.
i couldn't handle it. 2 rejections in one year. omg! and i was recovering from serious depression too remember!
so what did i do? i began to go to the park and simply sit for 20 minutes in the crown of a tree and just to think. i went and lay on my back looking up at the sky and pondering the world. i pondered my future. i pondered the shapes of the clouds. i pondered my parents. i pondered my friends. i pondered every single love i'd every had including when i was 5 years old. i pondered all my relatives. all the problems i'd ever encountered with people. i pondered the meaning of life. and i realized, that if every single person in my life died, if my house burnt down, my suburb caught fire and then flooded, my entire world was utterly destroyed [say an atom bomb on australia] i would still survive. because i would still have the sun shining on my body, i would still have the ocean to nourish my body mind and heart, i would still have the crown of a tree to nurture my body mind and heart and to keep me safe from the world.
i would survive.
and then guess what happened? i heard about this peculiar man speaking about his life in croatia in my friends english class. he was talking about war time experiences with this huge grin on his face, not unlike the joker from the dark knight. my friend thought he was quite scary and i explained that laughter/smiles are a coping mechanism. if something is so seriously upsetting, a person will either break down into devastating sobs [which is quite humiliating] or grin hugely and bear it. the latter being the most common in men.
anyhow so i explained this, and then my friend introduced me to andre, mateo's then best mate.
he went back to germany [being an exchange student] i was again heartbroken.
i moved on to mateo. biiiiiiiiiiig mistake.
that whole story happened. and i relapsed.
i went back into depression. but only minor depression, because i had all the realizations of the previous year to hang on to. also i'd read this novel titled 'veronika decides to die' by paulo coelho only 6 months beforehand and 'tuesdays with murrie' about a year beforehand.
so i was steady. i was strong. but this man, he was persistent. he gnawed at my heart nearly down to the wick. my flame was nearly snuffed out. and i got a little bit close to the edge. not half as close as i'd been before. but i didn't know this. to me it felt like i'd already jumped and was just living my life because i had to.
my life was one huge chore. every person i trusted in my life expected me to commit suicide. every parent. friend. teacher. cousin. relative.
the only companion who listened and believed was my dog.
so in fact, my dog saved me. she is therefore my best friend in this world and she always will be. the day she dies will be a very, very sad day for me. i'm even tearing up just writing this! aaaah. anyway.
that summer, after i left mateo. i cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
i ate chocolate ice cream. i ran about 20 km marathons. i went an sat atop cliffs and looked out to sea pondering things. i wrote letters to myself. to nobody. i 'made nowhere plans for nobody'. i drifted around like a dead person, except i was alive.
then one night. [i love walks at night time during full moon, it nourishes my heart body and mind] anyhow, one night, i walked down to jan juc beach, i lay down at the look out, i curled up into the fetus position and i howled. i screamed. i yelled. i whimpered. i sobbed. i silently screamed all the pain in my heart all the hurt all the tears all the rejection all the sorrow. i got rid of every corner of sadness.
i didn't miss a spot. i stayed there until there were no tears left. no more room for whimpering or howling. people say i sounded like a dog. well yes, i did, and i still can. but only when i am very, very upset.
i did this repetitively for some days, except not always at night, and at the beach. sometimes home alone, i just sat down and cried.
i just sat there and sobbed my heart out.
and i'd think to myself, why the HECK am i crying? what is WRONG with me? there are people starving, and dying of thirst. what the BRIDDY HECK do i have to cry about? being heartbroken. aren't i silly? well NO, i wasn't. because i expressed ALL of my pain.
all of it! i wrote it down. i screamed it, i howled it, i whimpered it, i opened my mouth and allowed all the pain to pour out silently directly from my throat. you know that lump in your throat before u cry? well i allowed that lump to roam free through my mouth. i set it free. i let it all out. i didn't inprison any pain inside of me.
i used to think i cried because the whole world was hurting. i used to think i carried the world on my shoulders. now i know better. i only carry one billionth or something. but everyone's burden is the heaviest in the world. every person's problem is the worst. and every person deserves to grieve properly. i used to get SO angry at my father and mother for never helping me when i was at my worst.
at 15 [in year 9] i used to yell and scream and fight my father for every word. in year 7 my sister had problems at school, so i largely went ignored. and in year 6 i went to my parents bedroom but they were busy and gave me one sentence of dismissive advice before declaring they were busy.
so for a huge chunk of my life i felt invisible. ignored. helpless. like a nobody quite simply.
i got SO angry. SO upset. and then i forgave. i accepted. i moved on.
and now? now i realize things everyday. now i have some of the best friends around. i have been lucky enough to meet an amazing man, who really is my other half. i'm doing ok at school, and my futures looking up.
i'm still a sensitive woman. but i'm strong. and i fare well in stormy weather, simply by communicating with people. that simple. QUEStions i tells yA! C:
so if your 12 year old has a problem at school, don't underestimate it, saying well your sister has FAR worse problems at high school missy!
or, you'll learn a life lesson from this. it will do you good.
because 11 year olds don't understand exactly what you mean.
and even 5 year olds can get bullied and hurt.
i realized in year 1 that i was different from everyone else. i wasn't quite as genuinely happy.
not quite as genuinely excited. even though i seemed like the happiest most cheerful one there!
i was a depressed lonely scared child in disguise.
and now look at me! i get lonely. i still get scared. i still feel insane from time to time. but nowadays i am used to it.
i've learnt eXACTly how to deal with it. and i try to love myself as much as possible.
so never think someone's problem is not important. it ALwAYS IS! and its always worth trying to help.
some ppl don't want help because they are too proud or are aware they can do it themselves.
but that's my story for you.
i hope everybody has a wonderful wednesday
full of surprised good or bad.
i ask everyone to spend 10 minutes pondering their friends, family, relatives, their own meaning of life, their own purpose in life, their own past loves, past friendships, past problems. i ask each and every person to hopefully realize what is most important in their lives and to fully appreciate every drop of love they have.
when looking for inspiration i look to the sun, the ocean and the trees. because after all, they only helped create all of human kind on earth. and if that's not inspiring i don't know what is.
all the best in every way
C: Britta
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