an example of something i did to heal myself some time ago

If i were to send you a letter this is what i'd write:

I ask myself a million times a day;
who do i love?
what would i do if i saw you again?
what would happen if we met?
who do i yearn for the most?
who's love do i need the most?

the answers change all the time. the one thing i know is that to continue wishing for something currently
impossible is to continue killing my spirit via heartbreak.
i just can't survive that kind of pain. so i turned away, and now? now that the person i turned to went up in smoke,
i feel lost, incomplete, and terribly, awfully, horribly sad.

Mateo I will never understand why you love me so beautifully.
I am not worth your heart, your love.
Maybe what you are giving me now, your steadfast belief, is a return for what i gave you last year? somehow.

the one thing you should know is that whenever i start missing you, i feel as if i would rather die than stand another second without you,
and that is seriously dangerous, so i have got to stop that, missing you.

you should also know that you are the most beautiful, kind-hearted, thoughtful, supportive, tolerant, worthy person alive, in my eyes. and i love you.
tears for you are always a second away.
there lies no falsity in those tears.

how is it possible to love two at once?
i wish to avoid losing mateo, and its so hard to go without his love after having betrayed him with vince,
its absolutely unbearable how much i miss him. but being with vince helps lessen that unbearability.
i hate how you can never haev your cake and eait it too! :'(

i wish so deeply and unbearably, for Mateo's emrace and Mateo's mouth, his arms, his all. but he's so far away.
being with him is such an impossible thing, yet still i wish for it. vince is so much more reliable, stable, kind too. he lies a little too much,
but that will lessen once he feels i've stopped hiding things from him.
he's quite sweet, and i can see myself very happy being with him. but it will hurt mateo. i can not serve mateo's needs however. i just can't, that's an impossible, especially when i feel so lonely, so utterly lonely, and vince cures that a little.
i just want to be happy, in love, and loving somebody with my all, with no complications involved. it seems that is just impossible to ask, but maybe i'm just impossible to please. it is so bloody painful to part from mateo.
but i need vince's nearby love. i need some good company. i feel terribly like i'm physically, mentally, and emotionally torn in two each time i have to choose between them.
it is so simple, i just want a simple hug, some reassuring love from a kindhearted man. vincent can give me that, but can i stand mateo's heartbreak? it will re-open my own, resound in my own heart and make things worse, BUT I NEED TO MOVE ON FROM MATEO! pronto too!

If you were in front of me I would look you in the eyes, step close to see if it was ok, and then just sink into your arms and stay there for as long as possible. at this point i know i'd be crying, from what exactly i can't be sure, relief possibly. then i'd lift my face up to yours and we would kiss, just like we wished. i would kiss every possible spot on your face, i would hold your hand, and never let go, i woiuld run my fingers through your hair. i would kiss your hands, your arms, your neck, and i would sing.
maybe we might together? a song we both know.
i wouldn't give a single push away, accept and love everything i was given. but first i would show you my soul in my eyes.
i still love you, how could i not. Despite everything i have done to stop myself from doing that.
this will not be squashed.

I would talk till your ears fell off. I would ask questions, till you shouted at me to stop, i would laugh and smile and overflow with happiness. my love would be so obvious and so endless.

we would find a sweet place between ourselves to call home, and i would never, ever, leave it.
all for a what if?
=what if you came back and stood right in front of me.

ok. that's a pretty phenomenal letter now that i look at it.
ok. directions.
go through this entire letter.
analyse every word. evaluate the symbols used.
see what i was creating for myself.
hope. rather than despair.
i guided myself through a written daydream.
consisting all types of thoughts. blue. green. yellow. red.

step back from this. look at it from six ways, a perfect reflection the number 6.
hexis? you think hexa? meaning witch in sweden.
uh-uh. nope. hexis. hexagon. hexagonal. a 6 sided shape.
6 influences. what whoever said 6 was evil? its perfection, so maybe it is evil, but
can't we allow the positive in and block the negative.whatever you see the negative to be?

here i go. explanation of numbers as symbols.
0= potentially a whole, a circle, a ring, a hole, a supermassive black hole, or a ring of people holding hands enclosing the world
1=lone, one pole standing alone
2=a swan, 2 swans can entertwine their necks and make a loveheart yes?
3=my name minus the backbone. the letter B. something female. creation. sustaining. destruction. the cycle.
4=a chair turned upside down, something to sit on. something stable. the other way to draw four doesn't for me include the diagonal.
so a pair of 2 equals a stable thing which can withstand pressure, such as weight. a team.
5=a person. with a belly and a backbone and a hat. relating to the letter M. mother. something female. but she has a hat to think with. she has a back to support her. and she has a belly to create with.
6=a circle with an exit cycle, death, or leaving the cycle momentarily b4 instantly coming back in a baby. ( the exit lies at the top-sky)
7=an angle, a corner, a point. an angle being an angel. a corner something you can back yourself into. and a point something you can focus on.
8=an endless cycle of circles, life
9=an introduction back into the cycle (the entry lies at the bottom)
uneven numbers such as 13, a democracy, enabling one person to veto.
the veto being something that if the whole world went a littly loopy, would enable one party to stop it, and possibly fix it.
all other numbers are simply combinations. you interpret it. you sort it. you test it out, if you wish. :)
the bakers dozen? if you lose one bread roll, you've got the spare there already.

anyhow i'm off to homework. cya later alligator, good morning, good evening and goodnight,
simply all the best in every way :)
Britta